2001-07-27T23:23:00.000-07:00

Ever since Ben left my life seems to be doing a complete 180. He's only been gone a week, but my freedom has gone from nonexistent to verifiable. I've been hanging out with Jenny and Justin almost everyday, not to mention Mike and Phil. The best part is the amount of fun I'm having. When Ben was around I always felt so smothered and obligated to be the girl he thinks I am and/or expects me to be. When I'm with my crew I can just be me to the fullest and they'll love me for it (well, most of the time anyways).

However, despite all of this newfound freedom and social productivity, I'm emotionally twisted and drained. Since Ben left, I've had some extra time to contemplate our relashonship. Sadly, I've concluded thus far that there is no future for us. We're just too different. I'm a lot more laid back, outgoing, and rowdy than he is. He's kinda uptight and law-abiding. I need a bad boy. I think that's why when I found out that Phil has a crush on me I was all excited. He's such a bad ass. But the more I hang around him and Mike, the more I'm attracted to Mike. Our friendship is kinda messed up, though. We essentially fight, tease, and make fun of each other all the time. We never really got along, u know? The thing is that while we fight, there is such sexual tension. We're like fighting but the whole time we're flirting hardcore. Our timing sucks, though, seeing as how we are both seeing other people. And even if we were to break that off, Phil is one of Mike's best friends and as long as Phil wants me, odds are I can never have Mike.

I'm getting really tired, really fast. More soon. Love always, B

my ramblings...